Nightmareland
by WIWJ
Summary: What if there was a reason he was being so..irrational? So aloof and standoffish? What if he's tired of holding it in? WJ as always. Chapter five is Pretty darn M.. so watch out if you're a nun or something.
1. The reason

A/N

This has been done a few times and it's really far fetched I know. but something about how Woody looked when he was holding the gun on the gang thugs in Dreamland.. or as I like to call it... dumbland... and then how he brushed Jordan off with some weird excuse while standing there looking well... drugged.

* * *

Woody felt his heart pounding in his ears, he looked quickly at Lu Simmons. He shouldn't have brought her here with him. '_I think your going to be okay, Woody'_. She had told him weeks ago, looking up at him with her perfect face. She had no idea. None. He wasn't anywhere near okay. You couldn't even see okay with binoculars from where he was standing. 

"Did you call for back up?" She said breathlessly in her most naive rookie voice. He nodded with an awkward smile.

" Listen to me." He took her quickly by the arms his body still gravitating towards thesuspect he was chasing.. "If anything happens--Fuck it, no matter what happens you call Jordan okay? You call Jordan and tell her I need her." With that he turned and ran towards the building.

"Hoyt!" She screamed after him, before starting towards the doors. She heard the sirens coming. She debated on what to do.

_Wait or follow, wait or follow, wait or follow, wait or follow_

There was a loud cracking sound before the building erupted into flames.

* * *

"I don't know what the hell happened" Tallulah cried as Jordan Cavanaugh charged towards her. " It was a routine thing. We were gonna hall this guy in for questioning and all the sudden Woody say something under his breath and the guy freaks out and starts running." 

Jordan wasn't looking at her, she put her hand on the woman's arm gesturing that she was actually listening.

"He yells after the guy. Puts his arm out to stop me and then takes off running. I catch him at the steps and he--"

Jordan has spotted him now. Leaning against the side of the squad car in a squat. The paramedics hovering near by, and bunch of beat cops swarming around him. His head hung down, elbows on his knees, head in his hands.

"He's got to be hurt, he was barely on his feet when they pulled himout. I thought he was going to take on the whole team of people trying to help him. He wouln't let me touch him. He won't let anyone touch him."

Jordan had pushed past her now, wordlessly making her way to Woody. She ran her fingers though his hair and he looked up at her momentarily before looking away. His nose was bleeding his eyes were red and swollen. His hands burnt. His clothes still smoking in some places.

"Are you hurt?" She said softly, warmly like she was talking to a little child. "Let me look at you. Your nose is.. These burns are.." The EMT was handing her gauze and water bottles over her shoulder. "Woody look at me." He shook his head no. "What else hurts you?" she moved her hands along his extremities looking for any sign of pain. He showed none. Was he in shock? "Woody tell me where you're hurt." She wasn't even sure he was hearing her until he reached his hands up to her hips, pulling her as close to him as possible.

"I don't know, Jordan. I can't --" He started to whimper a little, she waved the officers away from them and put her hand on his cheeks. He pulled his hand from her and reached into his coat pocket. Breathlessly, he pushed a bottle towards her. "I cant--. I'm numb."

He watched her look at the label on the bottle. It wasn't his name, but it was the mother of all pain killers. He watched her face change from concern, to fear, to terror. He leaned forward, his hands still clinging to her hips, and pressed the his head into her stomach. She put the bottle in her pocket quickly. Putting her hands on the back of his neck while he cried, she felt the dampness of his sorrow on her.

"It's okay." She murmured knowing she was lying. She was trying to think, trying to figure out what to do next. He needed to be checked out, she couldn't take him anywhere, they would find out. She needed to check him over. He could have major injuries. She looked back at Lu who was standing stunned she raised her eyebrows at Jordan. She didn't know, Jordan thought, bending down to him. Letting his face slide up to her shoulder. "I've got you now." The look of serender he gave herfrightened her. "We've got to get you.." She pulled her arms off of him and did a once over of his body with her eyes. She feltthe tearsbuilding in thecorners. "We've got to.." She couldn't cry, she couldn't, not now. He needed one of them to be in control. Instinctively he'd gone to comfort her, his fingers slipping off her hips to her back, rubbing his thumbs against her in small circles like he always did when she was scared. "Can you stand up?" He nodded readily, wanting to be anywhere but here with half of the department watching. She pulled him to her and eased the both of them up with little effort. The police parted like the red sea as she slipped under his arm and lead him back to his car. He fumbled with his coat pocket and handed her the keys. She slid him in the passenger seat, stopping to smooth back his hair with her hand, before walking over to Lu Simmons.

"I'll.." What was she going to say? I'll what? I'll call you tomorrow and tell you a bunch of lies? I'll take it from here? I'll what? "Thank you for calling me."

"It was the last thing he said, 'Call Jordan and tell her I need her.'" She went to say something more before she realized, like Jordan had, that their was nothing to say. She smiled and Jordan walked back to Woody's car.

* * *

The car was surreal. The only sound was his steady labored breathing and the coughing fits that followed. 

"You inhaled a lot of smoke." She said absently clutching the steering wheel to keep her self from driving to Boston Memorial.

"No kidding." He mumbled pushing his head back against the head rest. She looked at him again her eyes falling over his body. He was agitated. Was it shock or withdrawal? "God damn it! I am so damn stupid!" He yelled banging his head against the window.

"Stop." She said softly at first and then louder, her voice breaking with fear. "Stop."

He slammed his eyes shut and reached out his hand blindly towards her, resting it on her thigh.

"I'm sorry, Jordan. Believe me..I am so sorry." He didn't open his eyes. She knew he was not talking about his little out burst moments ago. "I don't even know how this happened. I don't even know." His voice slipped into low fragmented mumbles as they pulled up to her appartment. "..damn hippocrat...Cal... should have known better.."

He was still mumbling to himself when she took off his shirt and undershirt. She almost admonished him for the lack of Kevlar. Instead, she pressed a wash cloth to his neck, waiting to see the soft tan of his skin under the soot and particles. The cut on his face wasn't long but it was deep and angry. She secured it with a few butterfly bandages.

"Woody? I need you to tell me if anything hurts." She said moving her hands across his sweaty chest and over each arm.She laid him back against her pillows.

"That's the problem, Jordan. Everything hurts. Everything always hurts." He wasn't looking at her, so she could hold her gaze on his face without looking away. _How did I miss this?_

He was so beautiful. She couldn't count the number of times she'd thought that since the Inn. Hell sincethey met! Even nowswollen and bloody he was beautiful.Her hands lingered at the scars on his abdomen. She shuddered at the memories, not knowing she'd done it until she felt his hands on her back. She wondered how he could still manage to sense when she needed comfort. It was probably the same way he knew how. He'd had a lot of practice. His fingers moving in soft circles on the small of her back always relaxed her.

" I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that." Her voice was more upset than she had wanted it to be, she'd meant it to calm him.

"I'm--" He caught himself. "Okay." He was shaking now. She could feel him under her hands.

"Listen, I'm going to give you something, to calm you down." She smoothed back his hair in a motherly gesture.

"What? No." He moved back from her slightly. "I don't.. I can't take--"

"Woody, you can't just quit this stuff. It's been six months, your body's dependant on it.We have to wean you off of it, smaller and smaller doses until--" Her voice was soft pleading, she didn't want to see him go through this.

"No." He looked around quickly. "I'll loose my job." He pressed his head into her again until his voice was muffled. "You know what will happen if they find out, Jordan, please. Help me."

"Let me make sure you;re alright." She didn't know how to ask the questions she needed answers to. She dressed the burns on his arms and legs, then tentatively check his body again for any sign of a serious injury. After a few minutes of this she eased him back on to the bed. "I'll be back."

She walked out into her living room. Reaching for the bottle of pills he'd given her and a small notebook and pen, she walked back into her room. His eyes followed her as she crossed in front of him.

"When.. How long has it been?" He didn't understand her question. How long, she knew how long he'd been on the morphine. She'd filled his first prescription, had it waiting for him on his kitchen counter when he came home from the hospital. "Since you last.." He watched her avoid his eyes, trying to piece together what exactly was happening here. "Took one.. Or more than one.." Her words trailed off in incomplete bursts.

"I took four before we went to the sight." He admitted, her eyes flew to his.

"Four?" She seemed to shoot across the room, checking his pulse with her finger tips. "You could have killed yourself. Four of these?" She counted to herself, seeming satisfied she let go of his wrist.

"You still haven't really asked me anything."

"Your doped up, what could you really tell me?" This time her voice was sharp.

"I tried to stop, Jordan, I did, but people could tell. I couldn't do my job. I --"

"You can do your job doped up!"

"No." He said looking down at his bandaged body. He leaned forward again into her, she made no move to comfort him or push him away. "It was getting harder and harder to. In that alley last week? I couldn't even keep shot lined up, Jordan. I was standing there starring down a automatic weapon withthe DT's. I could have gotten you killed Jordan." She looked at the sorrow in his face. Is that why he left? Is that why he hadn't come in? He couldn't face me?

"How did I not see this?" She whispered her hands coming up and wrapping around his shoulders. "How did I not.."

"Jordan, Don't." He kissed her closest body part. "You didn't know and you wouldn't have ever thought I'd.." His eyes smashed shut, she watched his body sway slightly."I would have never though-."

"Shh. It's alright." She lied touching his face. "Lay down, just rest." She pulledhis shoes off and covered him with her blanket. She reached out to check his pulse again, for her own peace of mind. He pulled his hand down, making her hand slip off of his wrist and into hiss.She sat down in the chair she'd brought from the kitchen, unsure of what he would think of her desireto crawl into bed with him. If he realized this at all, he didn't show it.

* * *

She'd fallen asleep, something she didn't think she could have done. She didn't even realize it until he started yelling and her body broke back into consciousness. She couldn't tell what he was yelling at first. Then she realized. Riggs, the shooting, the hospital. 

"Damn it." She cursed as she touched his face. It was hot. She shouldn't have let herself fall asleep. She shouldn't have sat in the chair. She got up to get another compress but his arms shot up and stopped her.

"Jordan, please don't leave. I need you. I didn't mean it. I don't know why I even said it. Please Jordan, don't leave me here alone. I'm scared." I came out of his mouth in one long breath. She knew what this was about. This was six months ago, the words he hadn't called after her that morning in the hospital. The words that had been trying to fight their way out of his stubborn mouth.

"I'm not leaving. I will never leave you. I'm here." She lowered herself to his chest and he wrapped his arms tightly around her. "I won't leave again. I shouldn't have left you then." He sobbed in little child like bursts as she whispered to him. "I'll never leave you again."


	2. unreasonable

"Garret-." Jordan turned her face away from the bedroom and took a deep breath. "I realize that. I realize your backed up-. I realize that-. No. I can't. Garrett? I can't okay?" She tossed her head back. "I suppose you can ask, but I'm not going to tell you, so you shouldn't bother."

She heard the sheets rustle on her bed.

"I've got to go." She hung up on Macy before he could ask her anymore questions she couldn't answer.

She hurried back over to him, laying her hand down on his shivering body. It was still warm, not as bad as last night, but still not normal. He was sweaty and pale.

"I don't know why he did it... he didn't have to do it... I mean... I would have.. he would have... we.." His words clumped together, slurring quickly from one idea to another. "He's my brother. He's my brother. You have to watch out for them...brothers. I don't know why, you know? I don't know why?"

Jordan's heart beat sounded in her ear as she tried not to cry. She smoothed her hands over his chest, slowly hushing him without result.

"If you don't have a father... if you don't then you have to have a brother.. if your brother is trouble you have to be the one who.. who.." He stopped for a second and looked at her for the first time since he woke. "Jordan?" She bit her lip, brushing his damp hair off of his forehead. "What's wrong? Don't cry. Don't. I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to make you… why are you?" She hadn't realized the tears on her face until he pointed them out. His shaky hand came up and brushed them away. "I didn't mean to.. I promise… next time.. I'll be more careful.. next time I'll think. I'll think , Jo. I'm not going to leave you..Sweetheart I will never leave you..I.. I'm not gonna let Cal fuck everything up for me… I'm not going to let him.. It won't happen again.. I won't let him shoot me again..Jordan. It won't. Don't cry. I'm all right. I'll be all right. They're flying in a specialist remember? You said it'll be fine."

She nodded at him, letting her head drop to his chest. She listened to the quick beat of his heart. She knew what came next. She knew about the muscle spasms, the nausea, the mood swings, she knew this was only the beginning.

She also knew there was a big difference between physical and emotional detox. She had known that when Garret had optimistically poured his booze into the sink and she knew that now. It's not that easy. Wanting to quit doesn't mean that you can.

"Shhh. Shhh. Don't cry. It's going to be okay! I'm gonna fix this. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I love you, Jordan. It's okay now. I'm here." She pressed her lips together trying to not sob. She was stupid to think she could do this alone. She went through a list of people she could call, ruling them out one by one until it was just her again. She could feel him shake underneath her. She pulled the comforter up around them both and listened to the sound of his ragged breathing.

* * *

"Can you sit up?"

He looked at her with consideration.

"Try." She whispered again. Holding her arms out for him. "You have to try." He pulled against her and moved until his back was against the wall. Grimacing in pain from the burns on the back of his legs. "You're dehydrated. I can't keep…" Her voice trailed off, he looked into her eyes for a moment before she brought a cup to his lips. "Thank you."

"Thank me?" It was the first coherent thing he'd said since last night. His voice was coarse and gravely from the smoke the day before. She smiled at him, as he tentatively took the cup from her hands.

"Yeah, stupid huh?" She muttered. He looked down at the water.

"I don't know Jordan. I'm writing the book on stupid right now. I'll let you know how it turns out."

The knock on the door surprised him, she watched an alarmed look come over his features.

"It's okay." She soothed, taking the cup from his hands and setting it on the side table. She got up and walked towards the door.

"Hey." She whispered. "How is he? Detective Simmons said it looked really bad."

"He's doing okay. Just a little banged up. Did you find everything?"

"Yeah, you were right it was all in there"

"After Elaine… He just wanted to be on the safe side, Lily."

"Jordan are you sure this is a good idea? I mean , I understand how he must feel about hospitals, but if he needs all this.. "

"Most of it's just for my peace of mind. He's doing okay. I'd let you come in but he's asleep."

"No, it's okay I have to get back. " Lily raised her voice at the end with implication.

"Is Garret mad?"

"What do you think, Jordan?"

"Lily, thank you for not telling him." Lily nodded and Jordan watched her walk away before moving the boxes into the apartment.

* * *

She sat on the side of the bed listening to him cry out in pain. She ran her hands across his back, talking sweetly to him, trying to keep him calm. She had managed to get him re-hydrated with the IV solution Lily had brought her.

She had held his head as he vomited up the nothing that he'd eaten in the last two days, and watched him shake and sweat at the same time. She changed his bandages and convinced him that what he thought was happening was not happening. She was safe. Cal was not there.Cal had not shot him or been shot,and no one was going to hurt anyone.

But this was the hard part, him in so much pain. She moved her hands around nape of his neck and pressed her thumbs down, moving her fingers firmly across his head. He curled himself further into her, pressing his head into her thigh.

His breathing was getting better, the warm oxygen had done the trick. Jordan silently thanked Garret for his paranoia. She'd laughed, hard, at him when the boxes had arrived. She'd held up the EMT field kits and the small nebulizers and portable oxygen tanks.

"_What if there's a fire_?" He'd said poignantly. She'd laughed at him some more.

Now she was thanking him and God and the medical community for coming up with things like that. She had tried to give him an antibiotic, to help boost his immune system to ward off infection, but he hadn't kept much of it down. She'd managed to get some in through IV, again thanking Garret for his brilliant over reaction to a freak incident.

It was _his_ pain that was hurting _her_ the most. She knew she could stop it, a few cc's of synthetic and they would both sleep through the night. All she would have to do is call his physician, ask him to prescribe something mild for the injuries he'd acquired at the crime scene. She'd replayed that fantasy repeatedly through the muscle spasms and the stomach cramps.

* * *

He had thought getting shot was bad.

He had thought physical therapy was bad. Nothing was this bad.

He arched his body in a semicircle around Jordan. His head was pounding in a blinding pain. He'd forgotten about everything else.

Jordan's touch comforted him, he leaned into it. She had slowly slipped down the side of the bed and taken him in her arms like he was a little boy and he cried like one.

Part of him wanted to push her away, to hide this weakness from her. To hide his stupidity, but that's what had gotten him in this mess to begin with. He needed her. He needed to sleep, but his brain would not turn off. Moments of life flashed across his aching head like commercials for things he didn't want to buy. They were bad, scary, lonely moments. Nothing was comforting, nothing that really made sense. At this moment, those things could only be found in her.

"How much longer?" He asked her finally, gritting his teeth against the new pain in his legs.

"A day or two." She answered, after tightening her grip around him protectively. "We can still do this my way." He pried his eyes open and looked into her pleading face before nodding. She leaned away and grabbed her cell phone off the dresser, moving the other through his hair.

"Jordan?" He said softly as she hung up the phone and borrowed back against him.

"Woody?" He listened to the relief in her voice and felt guilty that he hadn't done this her way from the beginning.

"Thank you." He whispered, feeling her finger tips wipe the tears off of his face.

"You owe me." She joked.

"I'll remember that when you're in labor with our children." His voice trailed off as he fell into an uneasy sleep. He hadn't hear her voice hitch. He hadn't see the tears that had instantly sprang to her eyes. He hadn't seen the slow smile that had crept unexpectedly across her face when he said those words. He'd slept though it without even knowing what he'd done.


	3. the hurtful choice

The worst of it was over. At least physically.

The second she'd given him the injection, he'd fallen back against the pillows, his body relaxing. His chest was heaving in pent up exhaustion. He'd looked into her eyes and started to cry, quietly pressing his lips together. Letting the tears slip over the sides of his face. She sat there holding his gaze, knowing she'd made a mistake. She knew now that she should have let him battle it out. She shouldn't have let him see the weakness and fear in her eyes, then she wouldn't have had to look at the sheer defeat in his.

If she had it to do over again, she wouldn't say anything. She'd have just held him there, she would have told him how strong he was and how it would all be over soon. She moved her thumb up to his face and wiped the tears from his eyes. He stretched out his arm and cupped her shoulder in his hand, lovingly moving his fingers in a slow kneading motion, keeping her from dropping her eyes away. She pushed her hand through his hair and down the side of his cheek. He pressed against her touch. She wanted to tell him how proud she was of him. She knew it would be insulting to him though. Like she was implying he was weak instead of strong.

Her mind drifted back to the mention of babies, of her having his children. She knew she wanted children with him alone. If he had never come back to her, if she had stayed with Pollak, she knew they would have never had children. They wouldn't have had Woody's beautiful grin or his piercing blue eyes. They wouldn't have been the children she'd longed for. She would never have another man's children.

"Did you mean it?" She asked him softly breaking the silence of the last few moments.

"What?" He asked her, his gaze still focused on her tired face.

"What you said before about us, about our children. Did you mean that?" She tried to look away and wait for him to answer but she couldn't. His eyes were soft and warm. He moved his hand to her face, pressing his warm palm against her cheek.

"Will it scare you if I did, Jordan?" His voice hummed between them.

"Yes." She said honestly. "But it will scare me more if you didn't." She watched his face break into a true blue Woody smile.

"I don't deserve to get that happily ever after with you." He told her slowly shaking his head. "Not after everything I said and did." His lips pressed together for a minute. "Not after this."

"Why do you think you have to be perfect for me to love you?" She asked never moving her gaze.

"You deserve perfect." She had to strain to hear his words.

"I'm not perfect, Woody. I'm not and you still love me." She countered. He studied her face.

"You deserve better." He decided.

"There could not be anyone better for me than you."

"Maybe once, but not after everything." He closed his eyes until he felt her fingertips on his cheek again. "I hurt you, Jordan. I hurt you in that hospital. I hurt you when I lied to you. I hurt you when I blamed youwhen you were onlyprotecting me and I've hurt you now that you've seen what I've done to myself." His voice faltered, he swallowed hard. "I promised you I'd never hurt you and I did."

"_You were hurt_. You're hurt now. I'm not going to leave you again. I'm not going to leave you when you need me." She shook her head. "You never gave up on me Woods. No matter what, you've always believed in me, more than I deserve." He started to protest but she continued. "This? This is just a slip up. You're going to come out on the other side of this. I know you will. I believe in you."

He smiled at her. The same sad smile from when she told him Cal wasn't the only thing he had in the world. She smiled back, slipping down beside him on the bed. She was tired. They both were. The synthetic had calmed his body down. She watched his eyes droop.

"Jordan?" He whispered groggily towards her. She made a inquiring humming noise. "I'd understand if you couldn't say it but, I _really_need to hear you-."

"I love you, Woody." She said firmly, into the darkness. "Always have, always will."

"I believe you." He told her. "and I love you too."


	4. why can't we?

It had been two weeks now. He stood looking at himself in her bathroom mirror. He'd lost weight. Despite her best efforts to get him to, he hadn't eaten much. He could hear her now moving around in the kitchen, getting things ready for the day. Holding his hands up in front of him he examined the fronts and backs. They looked alright, a little too pink and shiny, but they hadn't scared. The big slash across his face; however, was another story.

Jordan had said it would get smaller; unnoticeable, unless he was really tan. He wasn't so sure, but she'd been right about everything else. He put his hands down. All the other scars could be neatly tucked away, under his clothes, beneath his dimpled smile. He blinked at himself in the mirror. _Neatly tucked away, _he thought to himself.

"Hey." She was leaning like a diagonal line across the door way when he turned to her voice.

"You make breakfast?" He asked her absently, watching the curve of her hip slip back upright as she pulled her shoulder off of the door frame. She nodded her head, not that he was looking.

"You gonna eat it?" Her voice matched his tone, he saw her feet step forward. He slowly lifted his eyes to her face, scared of her expression. It was the same as it always was. Soft and knowing, like she was in his head with him.

"Depends, you didn't 'make it' make it, did you?" He teased, trying to sigh away the last of his remorseful revelry. She forced a smirk at his attempt shaking her head no.

"I put frozen sausage in the microwave, pastries in the oven and hit 'brew' on the coffee maker." She turned towards the sink, giving him a break from her intensive stare. He watched her gather her things, make up, hair brushes and little silver barrettes he couldn't remember her wearing. "I though maybe we could go out for lunch. Maybe meet up with Lily and Bug?" He watched her move the barrettes in her hand, rolling them around like Chinese stress balls.

"Yeah." He said softly. "Maybe." They hadn't been out of the apartment in two weeks. He hadn't been away from her for longer than it took them each to shower. She probably needed to get the hell out of here, the hell away from him. "I mean, I could stay here if you wanted to.."

"You don't want to go?" She was trying not to sound alarmed and he knew it. "I thought you might wanna.. I don't know.. See someone other than me." He wanted to turn her around and look into her eyes. He wanted to tell her he didn't care if he never saw anyone but her ever again. Besides, he didn't want anyone else to see _him_. Except for a very brief wave at Lily when she came to drop off his suitcase, he'd seen no one but her. He hadn't talked to anyone, despite Lu's phone calls and Sydney's repeated requests for him to let the guys come over for poker. They knew nothing more than 'there had been an incident'. Little did they know. "I mean, we don't have to go." She brought him back, just like always.

"No. We can.. We'll see how it's going." He told her quietly. She set the barrettes down; turning slowly, until she was facing him.

"Will you try and eat?" Her eyes were glossy. He wondered, why? Why was she still here? How could she stand the site of him? Why did she care if he ate or not? He knew the answers, he just couldn't seem to understand them right now. "Woody?"

"Yeah, it sounds good." He shook his head, touching her arm poignantly as he walked by her. "You want me to scramble eggs?"

"With cheese?" He looked back at her and gave her a sweet smile.

"Of course." He felt the smile stretch across his face. It felt weird. Out of place. She reached up her hand and traced a dimple with her fingernail. Woody caught her hand on it's way down, rubbing at her knuckles with his thumb. She caught the look of pure agony in his eyes and slowly started forward. He closed his eyes and let her come, her arms wrapping around him protectively.

"What do we do now, Jordan?" He mumbled into her shoulder. "Now what?"

"Now we just slowly start going back to our life." She said sweetly. _Life_ he thought _our_ _life_. Not lives. "We can't hold up in here forever."

"Why not?" He whined, squeezing his eyes shut. "I like it here. I don't want to leave." _Ever_. He added silently.

"I used to do this thing Woody, where I would leave here, just during the day, then come back at night and on the weekends and stuff." She told conspiratorially. "We could try that? Today even."

He chuckled from the safety of her arms.

"Let's eat breakfast before we start talking about lunch." He decided.

"Okay." He felt cold when she let him go. She kept his hand pulling him into the kitchen. "Cheesy eggs. Now please." She ordered. He smiled at her while he complied.

* * *

Lunch was weird. It wasn't that he wasn't having a good time, or that the outside world made him want to run screaming back to the- _Jordan's_- apartment. It wasn't that he had some strong desire to knock over a pharmacy and loot the opiate drawer. He just felt weird.

She held his hand under the table as they waited for their food. Such a small insignificant gesture that would have been so foreign once with Jordan. A year ago, during a difficult time, she may have taken his hand and squeezed it, but this firm and unwavering outward example of her support was… well, weird. But he didn't dare let go.

* * *

When lunch came, she pulled her hand away, moving her leg silently until her knee was hooked around his calf. He actually laughed out loud at this, looking at her with blushed cheeks and amazed eyes. What he didn't know was that this was more for her than him. She was scared to death. She was scared she'd have to ask him to stay with her and scared he'd say no. She was afraid of what would happen when she went back to work. Christ! When he went back to work! She was afraid of the look on his face in the bathroom this morning and the look in his eyes when she touched him.

She hadn't wanted to leave the safety of Pearl Street any more than he had.

"So you're really, okay?" Lily asked again looking over the table at Woody. "I mean, Jordan really scared us when she took emergency leave. She didn't even do that when you were-." Lily stopped when she saw Jordan's huge eyes. Woody looked from Lily to her, smiling softly.

"She would have if I had let her." His voice was sweet and soft. A true emotion filled Woody-like tone. She tried not to cry.

This was weird. This whole removal from the freely flowing emotional world they'd been trapped in to here, in public, with their friends. The friends that would know something terrible had happened if she suddenly burst into tears. She was glad Nigel wasn't here. He wouldn't have been able to ignore the small burst of angst on her face; like she caught Bug doing now.

"I'm okay, Lil." He continued, reeling Jordan's emotions back in with his words. "I just had a lot of unfelt junk left over from the shooting." He sighed. _If only that wasn't the understatement of the century_, Jordan thought. "The emotional stuff was harder than the physical stuff." Lily nodded, smiling. Silence followed. Jordan hated every second of it.

"So Bug?" Woody to her rescue as usual. "You guys still want to come over for poker?" He leaned back in the chair. _Relaxed_, Jordan thought. "I still have four days of leave left."

"Um. Sure." Bug looked from Jordan to Woody, then his eyes settled on Lily. "At um..Jordan's?"

Her body tensed. Woody shot his eyes quickly to her, feeling her panic but not being able to identify the cause. Did she want him to say yes or no? He knew his mouth was hanging open like an idiots, but he couldn't close it.

"Sorry.. I.." Bug began looking at Lily for assistance. "I just.."

"No, it's fine, I'm still at Jordan's." He should have added 'for now'. Why hadn't he? He knew it was because he couldn't bring himself to say it. He hadn't wanted to spend the night away from her after the Inn, and he certainly didn't want to spend the night away from her now. He felt her body start to unclench. He wondered if that meant she didn't want to spend the night without him again either. He glanced at her. She was starring at her plate.

Lily looked at them expectantly. He smiled at her, pressing his lips together in prayer that she would not ask.

"How about Saturday night? Garret's on call that night and he doesn't play poker anyway." Bug rescued him.

"Sounds good. I'll see if Matt's off that night."

"He is." Lily said softly, causing everyone to turn and look at her. It looked like Brandu wasn't the only one she was keeping tabs with these days. "What! He is."

Jordan smirked, which made Woody lick his lips to avoid laughing.

"Wanna go to a movie then, Jordan?" She said, recovering quickly. "Since it sounds like boys night in?"

Jordan looked at Woody, he gave her a soft noncommittal smile. Her face screwed into a dirty look.

"Yeah. Okay." She nodded.

It was done. In one lunch she and Woody had been categorized as a couple and were all but married in the eyes of the morgue. Not too bad for a first outing.

* * *

"Jordan?" Woody spoke quietly, turning on his side in the dark room. "Sweetheart, are you asleep?"

"No." She answered him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He reached out and traced her face with his fingertips. "I'm fine."

He sighed.

"About today.. with Bug and the poker game. Was that.. Was that what you wanted me to say?"

She exhaled slowly into the darkness.

"Is that why you said it? For me?" She asked honestly.

"No." He said quickly in that amazing 'please don't miss understand me' tone of his. "No. I said it for me. But I need to know if I'm wearing out my welcome here."

"What? No. You're always welcome-." She started to dismiss.

"That's not what I mean." He reminded her.

"I know." She said softly, she didn't want to talk about it. He wondered what that meant for the outcome of all this.

"I don't know how to do this." He sounded lost.

"Well you better figure it out because I have no idea." She pressed into the hand he'd laid against her face.

"I need you, Jordan." He said suddenly. "If I'm going to stand up after all this I need us."

"Which us?"

"I can't be your rebound guy Jordan."

"Stop saying that." She snapped back obviously tired of the absurdity of it all. "In case you hadn't noticed Woody you were here before _him_. You are the guy I was rebounding _from_ not to."

He was silent for a minute, trying to regroup.

"I noticed. I.. I just needed to be **sure**, Jordan. Positive." He moved his hand into her hair. She started breathing unevenly.

"Which us, Woody?" She repeated, drawing the words out firmly.

"This us." He told her pulling her head to his and kissing her. Her hands moved quickly to his body like they'd been on alert for the signal to act.

"God I was hoping you'd say that." She breathed pulling flush against him. "Are you sure you're okay? I mean are you ready for this?" He was kissing her neck now, moving around to her throat and the little divots under her collar bone. She moaned, her heart beating in her ears. "Oh God , Woody! Please, say yes." He hummed out a laugh, unbuttoning the front of the shirt of his she was wearing.

"I'm fine. I'm ready." He pressed his lips quickly to her chest. "I need you, Jordan." He said again.

And for once it didn't scare her.

* * *

A/N don't worry the action will continue from here in the next and final chapter. I won't skip it like someone else we all know.. Who could it be oh yeah.. **TIM KRING**. 


	5. how many?

He was looking at her intently from where she sat on the bed.

"Want me to put on the boots?" She bit her lip, he knew she was trying to lighten up the emotion of the moment. He would have none of that tonight.

"Shh." He ordered, softly smiling.Woody looked into her eyes, brushing the hair from her face. Her lips parted slowly as she took in his expression. He watched her face relax, her eyes slipping slowly closed and open again. "I need you." He repeated for a third time. She felt herself take a staggered breath. Her hands tentatively traced the edges of his lips as he spoke again. "Do you know what that means?"

"I think so." She nodded slowly.

"No more stops or starts, Jordan." He brought his lips back down to her body and sweetly kissed her shoulder. His lips made a clicking noise when he moved them away. "No more running or hiding or avoiding or pushing, for either of us."

She nodded again, running her hand across his face.

"Just you and me from here on out." She told him, watching the smile slip across his cheeks. "No more insecurities. No more old ghosts."

It was his turn to nod. He moved slowly, kissing her body around the edges of the shirt that just barely held onto her shoulders. He made his way down her side, and around the curve of her hip. Slipping his fingers between her thighs and her black lacy underwear.

"Were you expecting me?" He hummed, looking back up at her.

"A girl gets caught in Granny Panties the first time being with the man she loves, she learns to prepare." Jordan told him smirking uncontrollably.

"Say that again." He whispered. He kept his eyes on her lips, as his fingers went back to touch the lace.

"The Granny Panties part?" She teased. He dug his lips into the edge of her waist where he knew she was ticklish she squealed.

"Okay! Okay! Okay!" She begged until he stopped, resting his body back on his heals. His blue eyes flashed back up to her in a long lost expression. He was back. "The man I love. In case you didn't notice Woodrow, that's you." She watched the grin pull at his mouth. She reached her arm across the small space between them to his waste pulling the drawstring of his pants loose, reminding him of the task at hand. "I love you."

He kissed the spot he had been tickling, laying her back and pulling the panties in question down her legs. She moved her knee up to free herself. It unintentionally gave him enough room to move between her legs. He pulled her back up to him quickly, She wrapped her leg around his hip unexpectedly. It pressed him forward into her, she saw his breath catch in his throat.

"I want you." She told him pulling his face to hers, her hand moving though his hair to his neck, pressing him into a kiss. Woody brought his hands up to her face and touched her sweetly before pressing her down into the blankets of the bed. She pressed against him, rolling him to his side and talking the elastic of his pants between her toes. She moved her foot down, running the top of it across his hard penis. "Where you expecting me?" She purred.

He gasped out something that could have been a laugh, before he softly moaned her name. He pulled his legs free of his pants and they hit the floor in a rumpled heap. She pressed her naked body into his flexing her hips against his groin. Her lips came to his neck and she heard him loose control, whispering her name, weaving his fingers through her hair, pressing his body against hers like he could mold them together.

She pulled her hips away quickly and he shuttered at the lost warmth until her hand reached between his legs and grasped him firmly. Moving her hand up and down slowly, as she drew her mouth down his body, making little smacking sounds as she went. He arched his back in anticipation of what she was about to do and her smug laughter hummed against his abdomen. She released him with her hands planting each palm against the crevasse of each thigh and moving her warm mouth across his penis.

The sound of his voice deep and thick echoed through her bedroom. She laughed again. At the Inn, he'd almost bit his lip until it bled to keep his voice down. She knew he'd be loud now that he could. She felt one of his hands fall from her hair onto her shoulder he squeezed it firmly before running his fingers down her arm. She took him all the way in, delighting in the loud moan that got her and the way his hand had gripped tightly to her arm. She could feel his hips trying tobuck beneath the pressure of her hands as she quickened her pace. His cries got louder as she did, until he pulled her roughly up to hislips and flipped her onto her back.

He brought his strong hand up to her breasts and started to move his fingers around each one. She could feel the their tingling heaviness under his touch and she was surprised to hear herself moan his name. He took a turn with each nipple pressing them firmly between his lips, her hips thrust up against him. He pressed his body down on top of hers, pinning her to the bed with the weight of his body. She loved the heavy warm feeling of his naked skin on hers. He met her eyes, sliding his fingers between her legs and moving his fingers in circles easily from the wetness of her. Her lips quivered and she cried out in little high pitched bursts.

He watched her eyes, listening to her broken quickened breath, nipping at her lips every so often with his own. It was when she cried out with release, her body rising off the bed against his that he entered her. Feeling the shock waves of each climax against him. He moved quickly at first, keeping his eyes glued on hers, making sure she was with him. She clawed at his hair as he thrust his body in even strokes above her.

He felt her thighs start to quiver from where they wrapped around his pelvis. This almost sent him over the edge. He looked down at her whispering things to her that he had always needed to say.

"I love you Jordan. I- hum.. I don't ever want to be away from you again. I don't like who I am with out you, Jordan." She cried out again pressing her mouth into his. " Look at me, Baby. I love you, Jordan. I've always loved you." She slammed her hips against his her hands pressing against his backside keeping him there. He watched her eyes struggle to stay on his, feeling the deep shutters of her body before he let himself go as she clenched around him. She laughed in deep throaty laughter as he moaned something that could have been her name.

"God, who would have known that the farm boy was a Sex God." She said after she caught her breath. He shook his head from where he had landed beside her. She curled against him.

"It's you." He wiped her damp hair from her face and shook his head again. "It's you." She giggled far to girlishly for her liking and burrowed against him. "How many did I get that time?" He felt the breath of her laugh on his damp chest.

"It's not a contest, you know." She said smartly.

"Tell me. I counted four, but last time I missed one." This was the most macho thing she had ever known him to do. "We were trying to be quiet remember?" She laughed.

"You weren't doing a very good job of that." She told him.

"Hey, I was quieter than the honeymooners." He laughed too. "How many?"

"Umm.." She wrinkled her eye brows in contemplation. "I think you got them all this time."

"Good." He kissed her forehead. "Then my new goal is five."

"You're not going to keep upping that are you? If so I'm going to need to start drinking protein shakes or something." She said in mock seriousness.

"We could change to number of times in a day if you'd like." He informed her. Pulling her into his arms.

"I might not need that Tae Bo class anymore."

* * *

"Ready?" She asked him when he stepped out of the bedroom in his navy blue suit. His eyes clicked up to hers and he nodded, watching her clear away the last of the breakfast dishes. She turned away from the sink and gave him a long once over.

"Are you?" He asked skeptically at her fearful eyes.

"If you say you're ready then I believe you." She said firmly. "I'm just going to miss you." He smirked at her, he had watched how difficult it had been for her to leave with Lily on Saturday night.

_Nigel had practically had to push her out the door, before turning to Woody with a sly grin. He asked what he did to make Jordan Cavanaugh find him so difficult to part with. After giving Seely a hard gaze he'd told them the truth. Nigel's face had dropped, becoming ashen. Bug had simply nodded. Woody looked at Matt knowing he could report him. He had no proof, but Woody still would rather not even go there. Matt swallowed hard before he spoke._

"_Well It's good to know that even Superman has some flaws." He said finally. The corner of Woody's mouth had drawn up as Sidney started dealing the cards without comment. He had later met Woody in the kitchen._

"_I'll be sober ten years in March." He announced nodding at Woody's gaze before walking back to the table._

But that had only been real world practice. He was about to walk back into the lions den. Stress central, Jordan had called it. He glanced at her again. She was gathering her files together absently looking completely lost. He walked across the room taking her briefcase from her and holding her hand.

"I'll be right across the street all day." He said softly, she tightened her fingers. "Who knows, maybe we'll get a good body and I'll get to come over and play." He grinned wickedly and it made her smile.

"When we get home you're going through all this stuff." She informed him as he lead her through the field of boxes that he and the guys had moved from his _former_ apartment yesterday. "You're going to have to trash like ninety percent of it, you know that right?"

He smiled at her and kissed her hand as he swung the door open.

"In your dreams, Jordan."

_This was my dream_. She thought to herself. _It came true. Now I need a knew one. _Her mind went back to two and a half weeks ago, and the children comments they'd made. _Yup that'll do_. She smirked.

"What?" He said watching her face.

"Nothing." She lied smiling suspitiously. He shook his head and pulled her out the door.

"It's a good thing I love you Jordan." He sighed as they walked down to the car.


End file.
